Chastity Belts Redux

I wrote some blurbs for my chastity belts as if they were appearing in a mail order catalog. I hope to one day be this good:
http://jpeterman.com/product~cat~110211~sku~WSL%201434.asp

The Desperate Housewife
That old clunker “I have a head ache” isn’t convincing anyone. Say it with flowers with our best selling “Desperate Housewife” chastity belt. Sex is nasty. Keep your private parts safe and pretty with the customizable mini vase. Fill it with a sweet smelling bouquet of your favorite blooms. Stay fresh whether in the home, running errands or at the country club!

The Biohazard
Everyone knows that abstinence is the only true way to avoid VD. Our ruggedly utilitarian “Biohazard” offers surefire protection against everything from AIDS, to genital warts, to that pesky unwanted pregnancy. Next time he wants to wrap it up, tell him “I already have.”

The Burqa
Luscious lips, Sparkling eyes, a shapely ass, a nice rack. A woman’s body is a virtual minefield of sexual temptation. For those looking for more complete coverage, our full-body “Burqa” belt does the trick. Thick metal walls and a deadbolt defend against oglers and other prying eyes.

The Miley Cyrus
Don’t let your budding starlet end up another Britney, Paris, or Lindsey. Teach her that true love waits with our fun and youthful “Miley” belt. For those times when faith just isn’t enough, the “Miley” can only be unlocked by those magic words “I do.”

The Penis Envy
Don’t take chances when it comes to protecting your most valuable asset. Instead, take the law into your own hands, or thighs, with the fully automatic “Penis Envy” Chastity belt. Gives new meaning to the battle of the sexes! Available in handgun, AK 47, or rocket launcher.

The Climate of Fear
They say pleasure is pain, but it can also be a pain, which is why we developed the new “Climate of Fear.” Bring the excitement and sexual modesty of the Middle East to the home front, and see how it feels to be a prisoner of love with this tortuously effective belt!

The Yearning for Zion
The early bird gets the worm. Stake your claim early at the compound with the fully adjustable multiple capacity “Yearning for Zion” belt. Expandable components to accommodate your growing family!

Messy Eaters

you only tell the truth when you're drunk

I met you in a bar down San Francisco way
You said you seen me coming from a quarter mile away
On account of my smile and the way it shone
And I wish there was a way I could have known
You only tell the truth when you’ve had a drink or two
But by then you’d caught me like the flu.

It was after several beers and a couple shots of whiskey
You had your arm around me; you were getting kind of frisky.
You said I weren’t good looking by a long shot
But something bout the full moon got you all hot
And you figured that I’d be an easy lay
I guess I just admired your honesty

Well, that fateful night in Frisco
Was about three of your kids ago
Now I cut hair and you sell cars
And the money don’t go very far
And its hard for me to keep standing’ my man
When you say you wish I’d been a one-night-stand

Yeah, you talk shit that you don’t mean
So. I just get down that old Jim Beam
Pour my babe a shot or three
And soon enough you’re loving’ me
Saying without me your world would end
I’m your love, your life and your best friend

Well people say a lot of things
And who can tell which ones they mean
But I’ve got a lie detector test
To test whatever you confess
And you best believe it’s a hundred proof
I’m drunk off you and that’s truth

But you only tell the truth when you’re drunk
You only tell the truth when you’re drunk